Anger
Many people think anger is harmful and an emotion that should not be felt. I disagree with the idea that anger is always maladaptive. I believe that anger can be harmful if we act on it inappropriately or if we allow it to fester within ourselves. An example of acting inappropriately with our anger is yelling at someone or hitting someone. Even throwing something at a wall or hitting a punching bag can be harmful to our health. Yelling at someone only fuels more anger inside of you, but also tends to make the target of your anger angry as well. So by yelling, there are now two angry people instead of one. Yelling usually accomplishes nothing and just makes matters worse. Hitting someone has obvious repercussions, such as physical harm to others, harm to yourself if the person you hit retaliates, and potentially even criminal charges. Throwing something or even hitting a punching bag are also harmful ways to “release” your anger. Evidence suggests that this does not release anger, but actually increases it. I am not saying that one should never hit a punching bag. After all, it can be a great form of exercise with physical and psychological benefits. However, hitting a bag with anger in order to get rid of your anger will not work. Acting on anger tends to make us even angrier. So how might anger be dealt with? First, it is important to note that evidence from scientific studies suggests that anger is inevitable and necessary, and that it can also be constructive to relationships and to the person experiencing it. We are meant to feel anger. Anger should help us resolve problems, remove threats to our safety, and above all, anger should help us be assertive when we need to be. It should help us avoid being “walked on” or being taken advantage of. It is a very common occurrence with clients I treat that they are constantly pleasing others and sacrificing their own happiness to do so. While it is important to please others to some degree, doing it at the expense of one's own happiness is a recipe for anxiety, depression, and stress. Learning to identify anger and using it to express interpersonal needs and limits is healthy. I often see a direct link between learning to use anger to be assertive and reductions in symptoms of anxiety depression, and stress.
The bottom line is if we want to be happy, we need anger to help us assert ourselves. Scientific studies suggest that the best way to deal with anger is to first identify it and allow it to be experienced. However, if it feels overwhelming or if you feel like you are going hit someone, throw something, slam your hand on a table, or yell at someone, then remove yourself from the situation. Allow the anger to dissipate. Once it does, then attempt to constructively deal with the situation by asserting your needs or wants fairly. This is all often easier said than done, and that is where therapy can be helpful - learning ways to effectively deal with anger. In addition, we may be flooded with feelings of anger that have been unresolved emotions from our past relationships. We know from scientific studies that individuals with unresolved anger tend to be unhappier and unhealthier people. This is another time when therapy can be helpful. Unresolved anger obstructs our ability to be the happy and healthy people we were meant to be. Resolving anger from our past is an important step in being able to move forward in the future.